Twilight Widower

As some of you may or may not know the Rorschach test and fallen into the public domain. Yes I know that has very little to do with Twilight, but give me time and I will show you why I bring it up. No I am not talking about the cool guy from Watchman either. I am talking about the ink blot test that what you say a picture looks like somehow tells someone your mental status. Here is a link to Wikipedia that will tell you more about it. Now to my point. I wonder what would happen if you gave this same test to your girlfriend/wife right after she watched Twilight. I would almost guarantee that every answer would come up as Edward and Bella or Edward.

Here is a link to the ten inc blots so you can give the test. You can make up your results as you see fit. In all honesty I am afraid to do this test for fear that all 10 will come back as relating with twilight.

Here is what I see when I look at the inc blots.

1. The batman symbol.
2. Two people looking at each other.
3. Two girls about to kiss.
4. A dragon about to land on me.
5. A butterfly (go figure)
6. A cello
7. Me looking out from a castle.
8. A cat scan image of someones head.
9. A vase.
10. In all honesty I have no idea. Maybe fireworks?

What I think a woman will see after watching Twilight.

1. Edward
2. Edward and Bella kissing
3. Alice and Bella kissing (okay that’s what I see, but you never know)
4. Edward
5. Edward ridding on a butterfly
6. Edward playing a piano
7. Edward
8. Edward
9. Edward
10. Not even a twilight nut can see Edward in this. I don’t think anyone can see anything in it.

The other day my wife was going to take a nap. I had just finished cutting the grass so I went to take a shower. During the shower a devilish idea came to me. As I neared the end of my shower I turned the water on cold. I stood in the cold water for about a minute. I got out of the shower dried off, put clothes on and curl up next to my wife. It took her a minutes to realize what was happening. She pushed me away and yells “Why are you so cold?” I just reply with “This is how Edward would feel.” She lays back down glaring at me as I laugh. Then she tries to kick me off the bed. I ask her what is wrong and she tells me that I am shaking the bed. I say I’m sorry and hug her, again she yells that I am cold and pushes me away. I had forgot about the cold shower but thought it was funny so I started laughing more. I get up to let her take her nap and go try for disgusting ooze pet again. That thing never drops.

Occasionally my wife will want to get me involved in her Twilight mania. I resist this a much as possible. Below is a conversation that we recently had and how I got away from Twilight.

Wife: Did you see this new video that they released today
Me: yeah
Wife: I wish the people who take these videos would learn to hold the camera steady.
Me: I know.
Wife: Oh they have a video of Robert Pattinson leaving his hotel.
Me: Wow
Wife: What do you think about that.
Me: About what?
Wife: About what I just said.
Me: Damn it thats 12 ooze covered bags that have dropped and still no disgusting ooze.
Wife: WHAT?!?!?!
Me: Oh I’m sorry did you say something.
Wife: (face starts turning red)
Me: (Does not notice her face turning red)
Wife: Did you hear anything I said?
Me: Yes.
Wife: what did I say?
Me: Blah blah Robert Patterson, blah blah new video, blah blah new pictures.
Wife: (eyes start to blaze)
Me: (still doesn’t not notice anything)
Wife: You didn’t hear a single word I said.
Me: Yes I did, it was all about Robert Patterson
Wife: PATTINSON!!! How do you know I was talking about Robert Pattinson?
Me: Was it about Robert Pattinson?
Wife: Thats not the point.
Me: Yes it is. If you where talking about Robert Pattinson then their is nothing to argue about. If you where talking about something else then I was ignoring you. If I am correct then why are you mad.
Wife: I’m not mad
Me: (Finally notices red face and bulging eyes) Would you like to play World of Warcraft with me.
Wife: (Has a blank look of confusion on her face)
Me: It a really good game. With a friend account you can level really quickly.
Wife: What?
Me: See you don’t listen to anything I say.

My wife like many of yours was going on and on about dipshit aka Robert the other day. She finally noticed I was just nodding my head and occasionally saying yeah or wow. So she smacks my arm and says “Hey you need to vote”. I’m thinking I did vote. Come to find out she wasn’t talking about anything important, just the MTV Movie Awards. Apparently Jacob is ahead of Edward for the Male Breakthrough Performance. To my surprise she really thought that I should go vote right then. This was an emergency. I needed to go to my computer, create an account, and vote. To my delight she didn’t say who I needed to vote for. I said “I will vote later”. My brain starting thinking about evil things. Later that day I looked up the MTV awards and checked out the voting page. To my surprise it was filled with crappy movies. All my evil thoughts left my head. I couldn’t vote for any of that crap. So I waited.

The next day comes and my wife starts asking me if I voted. I told her no but I looked at the page, that seemed to please her. I thought a little more on what to do then it hit me. I go to my computer and suffer through their account creation page. go to the voting page and vote. As I am at my computer I tell her I voted. She comes over just like I knew she would to check. She looks at my screen and is instantly mad. “YOU VOTED FOR JACOB!” she screams. I muster all the willpower I have to look surprised and say “Yeah I thought that’s what you wanted. You want Twilight actors to have the top spots right? I thought Edward should be in the lead so I voted for Jacob to try to get him in second place.” She just looks at me for a short time and says “Jacob is in the lead!” I let me face show surprise and say “Really, cool then Twilight has the top two spots.” I turn back to my computer and start WOW.

WARNING: You may be forced to sleep on the couch for a week if you conduct this experiment.

I have always wondered what my wife would do if I acted the same way she did toward Edward, but to a woman. Like the old saying goes “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander”. So begins my experiment.

Step 1: Wait until my wife asked me to watch Twilight, it didn’t take long.

Step 2: I just watched the movie until Alice shows up. I didn’t say anything, I just did what she had been doing the entire movie when she saw Edward, I sighed. I didn’t look at her or act like I had done it.I continued to do this every time I saw Alice, just like she did every time she saw Edward. I don’t think she noticed, or she thought I really did not want to watch the movie.

Step 3: When Alice would be walking away or bend over I would go “MMM”. Again I did not look at my wife or show any sign that I had done it.She noticed this but didn’t say anything about it.

Step 4: At the part of the movie where Alice hugs Bella I said “MMM I wish she would hug me like that”. This really got my wifes attention.

Results: She paused the move and just stared at me with her mouth open. It tool her a few seconds before she spoke. She starts to tell me how I am ruining the movie by doing things like that. She said she can’t watch the movie because of me. At this point I can’t keep from laughing any longer. I start laughing and I could almost see fire shoot from her eyes. It took her a few seconds but she realized what I was doing. The conversation went as follows:

Her: That wasn’t funny.

Me: Hey I did what you do every time you watch that movie.

Her: I do not make those sounds.

Me: Sure sure

I’m was still laughing so she unpaused the movie and turned the volume up. I love it when my experiments succeed.

Today, I am going to explain another way to annoy your wife. The first time I saw dipshit aka Robert Pattinson was in Harry Potter when he played Cedric Diggory. I thought the makeup was very unusual, but come to find out it was not makeup and just his normal face. I am going to go through my train of thought to see if you come to the same conclusion as I did.

Does this picture below look familiar?

If you said a woolly worm you are correct, but doesn’t it look like something else also? Look below and tell me if they look similar.

To me these look very similar. In fact this is why my wife hates going walking with me. At this time of the year, woolly worms are out everywhere, and the same conversation happens.

Me: Hey look its its Robert Pattersons eyebrow.

Her: PATTINSON!!!

Me: Dipshit

She looks down, rolls her eyes, walks ahead of me, and puts her head phones on so she can listen to New Moon again.

My image of him is below.

Yes I know the questions you are thinking and the answer is yes, she does own all 4 books and all 4 audio books.

Yes I know everyones wife talks constantly about Robert Pattinson. To try and stop this I have found an easy way to annoy your wife and make her stop talking about him. Granted she will be yelling at you so I’m not sure how affective this approach is at getting your wife back.

Any time your wife starts ask one question. “What is so great about Robert Patterson?” She will think you just said his name wrong so she going to yell out “Pattinson!” At this point I add saying “Ok, Ok  whats so great about dipshit?” Suffice to say my wife doesn’t talk to me about dipshit anymore.