Twilight Widower

Yes that’s right I am going to Comic-Con. The Holy Grail of the geek world. Comic books, card games, roll playing games, and cosplay will be at my finger tips. Or at lease it would if I was going for myself, but I sadly am not. Now for the crushing blow. My wife found out that the cast of Twilight is going to be Comic-Con. Yes you can see where I am going. As a result she bought 2 tickets to the event the day they are going to be their. All the other days where sold out so no fun for me. Now I get to go wait in line for their conference. I told my wife I am going to make a t-shirt for this site and wear it, but she isn’t to keen on that idea.

Here is something I don’t understand. My wife was to scared to fly when we got married. We had planed to go to Hawaii, but could not bring herself to fly. Fast Forward to now and she appears to be fine now that she is going to see Edward. Maybe his sparkle chest is giving her courage.

If you are going to Comic-Con and see a guy  wearing a twilightwidower.com t-shirt then that is me. Come up and say hi. Now I just have to figure out how I am going to keep my wife from jumping over the table to get at Robert if she gets close enough.

For some reason every time my wife finds news about Twilight or Robert Pattinson she has to share it with me. By now, I thought she would have figured out that I am just nodding and saying yeah every so often. Every so often, I would hear references to Robert stinking or not washing his hair. I just have one thing to say about that. Good for him, if I had to travel as much as he did I wouldn’t shower either. If the women still liked him stinking then more power to him. My wife seems to enjoy giving me his itinerary everyday. One day he is in Italy the next he is in the USA then he is back to Canada. Right now he is the movie company’s bitch.

Yes I know everyone thinks I have gone crazy, but I think it’s funny. How often he showers seems to be a huge topic on the internet. I mean really, why do people care. It’s not like you can smell him through his pictures. There is even a youtube vid about it here. I laughed my butt off at it.

My wife says that he would smell too bad for her to ever want to date him. I do not believe her though. I think if she ever saw him she would run up to him, smell him, say “You don’t smell that bad” and I would never see her again.

I know that the Twilight books are made for young girls, so I wasn’t surprised to find out that most of the young girls in my family like them. What did surprise me was when I found out my aunt is in love with them, or more precisely she is in love with Edward. She is in her 60′s and is acting like a 14 year old. What is it about these books that drive women crazy? Stephenie Meyer has some kind of magic to have gotten all these people going crazy. To my astonishment, it appears that Robert Pattinson is encouraging the older women. I know we all like a good MILF, but he is taking it to the extreme . There was an interview that he did that made me laugh. He was responding to a fan. The fan said she was in her 30′s, married and had kids. She said she felt dirty because she wanted to do him. His response was “Yeah feel dirty about it, feel like it’s wrong”. It was great, I bet that woman passed out if she heard him say that. You normally only see this level of fandom in Sci-fi/comic geeks. I know because I include myself in that group. It is almost as if the cast of Twilight has reached boy band fan craziness level.

My aunt had my wife print out a picture of Robert Pattinson’s GQ photo shoot. She took it home and put it on the frig. Now my uncle says every time he goes to get in the frig he loses his appetite. My wife also wants to change our vacation plans. Instead of going to the beach and laying out in the sun for a while, she wants to go somewhere else. Can you guess where? I bet you know because your wife probably wants to go to the same place. Yes that’s right Vancouver Canada. That is where they are filming the Twilight Movies. She wants to go to the restaurants they eat at, and try to see if the can see Robert Pattinson . I told her I wouldn’t go, and she asked why. I said I don’t want to have to bail you out of jail because you tried to sexually assault Robert Pattinson. She didn’t find that very funny.

I have read all 4 Twilight books and I have a question for all the women out their. Is Edward a stalker/pedophile? Well I guess that is two questions, but I would really like to know. I mean he is around 100 years old and dating a girl that is 17. He breaks into her room at night and stares at her while she sleeps. He does this numerous times. If I where to wake up in the middle of the night and my wife was staring at me I would think she was crazy.

I asked my wife this question and she says he isn’t. So I said would you like me to treat you like Edward treats Bella. She said yes, so I started staring at her. She laughed and went to the kitchen. She saw I was still staring at her and she just started laughing and said quit it. I said I was just doing what Edward does. She said that’s not how he does it. I ask how does he do it then? I am still waiting on the answer to that question.

I have heard the response that well he is a 17 year old that has lived for 100 years. I don’t understand that argument. How can you be a 17 year old for 100 years. He has lived 100 years, so he is that old. Yes his body may be the same but his mind isn’t. If we find a way to live forever with technology does that mean a 100 year old cyborg would date a girl that is 17? His body would look 17 but his mind isn’t, but alas I am trying to use logic in a would of screaming teenagers and even louder women in their 30′s.

We now have a twitter page so it will be easier to keep up will all of our updates. Follow us and enjoy.

My wife like many of yours was going on and on about dipshit aka Robert the other day. She finally noticed I was just nodding my head and occasionally saying yeah or wow. So she smacks my arm and says “Hey you need to vote”. I’m thinking I did vote. Come to find out she wasn’t talking about anything important, just the MTV Movie Awards. Apparently Jacob is ahead of Edward for the Male Breakthrough Performance. To my surprise she really thought that I should go vote right then. This was an emergency. I needed to go to my computer, create an account, and vote. To my delight she didn’t say who I needed to vote for. I said “I will vote later”. My brain starting thinking about evil things. Later that day I looked up the MTV awards and checked out the voting page. To my surprise it was filled with crappy movies. All my evil thoughts left my head. I couldn’t vote for any of that crap. So I waited.

The next day comes and my wife starts asking me if I voted. I told her no but I looked at the page, that seemed to please her. I thought a little more on what to do then it hit me. I go to my computer and suffer through their account creation page. go to the voting page and vote. As I am at my computer I tell her I voted. She comes over just like I knew she would to check. She looks at my screen and is instantly mad. “YOU VOTED FOR JACOB!” she screams. I muster all the willpower I have to look surprised and say “Yeah I thought that’s what you wanted. You want Twilight actors to have the top spots right? I thought Edward should be in the lead so I voted for Jacob to try to get him in second place.” She just looks at me for a short time and says “Jacob is in the lead!” I let me face show surprise and say “Really, cool then Twilight has the top two spots.” I turn back to my computer and start WOW.

WARNING: You may be forced to sleep on the couch for a week if you conduct this experiment.

I have always wondered what my wife would do if I acted the same way she did toward Edward, but to a woman. Like the old saying goes “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander”. So begins my experiment.

Step 1: Wait until my wife asked me to watch Twilight, it didn’t take long.

Step 2: I just watched the movie until Alice shows up. I didn’t say anything, I just did what she had been doing the entire movie when she saw Edward, I sighed. I didn’t look at her or act like I had done it.I continued to do this every time I saw Alice, just like she did every time she saw Edward. I don’t think she noticed, or she thought I really did not want to watch the movie.

Step 3: When Alice would be walking away or bend over I would go “MMM”. Again I did not look at my wife or show any sign that I had done it.She noticed this but didn’t say anything about it.

Step 4: At the part of the movie where Alice hugs Bella I said “MMM I wish she would hug me like that”. This really got my wifes attention.

Results: She paused the move and just stared at me with her mouth open. It tool her a few seconds before she spoke. She starts to tell me how I am ruining the movie by doing things like that. She said she can’t watch the movie because of me. At this point I can’t keep from laughing any longer. I start laughing and I could almost see fire shoot from her eyes. It took her a few seconds but she realized what I was doing. The conversation went as follows:

Her: That wasn’t funny.

Me: Hey I did what you do every time you watch that movie.

Her: I do not make those sounds.

Me: Sure sure

I’m was still laughing so she unpaused the movie and turned the volume up. I love it when my experiments succeed.

Today, I am going to explain another way to annoy your wife. The first time I saw dipshit aka Robert Pattinson was in Harry Potter when he played Cedric Diggory. I thought the makeup was very unusual, but come to find out it was not makeup and just his normal face. I am going to go through my train of thought to see if you come to the same conclusion as I did.

Does this picture below look familiar?

If you said a woolly worm you are correct, but doesn’t it look like something else also? Look below and tell me if they look similar.

To me these look very similar. In fact this is why my wife hates going walking with me. At this time of the year, woolly worms are out everywhere, and the same conversation happens.

Me: Hey look its its Robert Pattersons eyebrow.

Her: PATTINSON!!!

Me: Dipshit

She looks down, rolls her eyes, walks ahead of me, and puts her head phones on so she can listen to New Moon again.

My image of him is below.

Yes I know the questions you are thinking and the answer is yes, she does own all 4 books and all 4 audio books.

Yes I know everyones wife talks constantly about Robert Pattinson. To try and stop this I have found an easy way to annoy your wife and make her stop talking about him. Granted she will be yelling at you so I’m not sure how affective this approach is at getting your wife back.

Any time your wife starts ask one question. “What is so great about Robert Patterson?” She will think you just said his name wrong so she going to yell out “Pattinson!” At this point I add saying “Ok, Ok  whats so great about dipshit?” Suffice to say my wife doesn’t talk to me about dipshit anymore.

As many of you are experiencing, your signification other is suffering for an obsession that is irrational. I have seen obsessions and hysteria before but this is going over the top. I made this website to try to help others and myself through it troubled time. For to long have we had to suffer alone but now we have a place to raise up and shout “I WANT MY WIFE BACK”. Just don’t say it to loud, you may disturb your wifes 12th time reading Twilight.