Twilight Widower

As some of you may or may not know the Rorschach test and fallen into the public domain. Yes I know that has very little to do with Twilight, but give me time and I will show you why I bring it up. No I am not talking about the cool guy from Watchman either. I am talking about the ink blot test that what you say a picture looks like somehow tells someone your mental status. Here is a link to Wikipedia that will tell you more about it. Now to my point. I wonder what would happen if you gave this same test to your girlfriend/wife right after she watched Twilight. I would almost guarantee that every answer would come up as Edward and Bella or Edward.

Here is a link to the ten inc blots so you can give the test. You can make up your results as you see fit. In all honesty I am afraid to do this test for fear that all 10 will come back as relating with twilight.

Here is what I see when I look at the inc blots.

1. The batman symbol.
2. Two people looking at each other.
3. Two girls about to kiss.
4. A dragon about to land on me.
5. A butterfly (go figure)
6. A cello
7. Me looking out from a castle.
8. A cat scan image of someones head.
9. A vase.
10. In all honesty I have no idea. Maybe fireworks?

What I think a woman will see after watching Twilight.

1. Edward
2. Edward and Bella kissing
3. Alice and Bella kissing (okay that’s what I see, but you never know)
4. Edward
5. Edward ridding on a butterfly
6. Edward playing a piano
7. Edward
8. Edward
9. Edward
10. Not even a twilight nut can see Edward in this. I don’t think anyone can see anything in it.

The other day my wife was going to take a nap. I had just finished cutting the grass so I went to take a shower. During the shower a devilish idea came to me. As I neared the end of my shower I turned the water on cold. I stood in the cold water for about a minute. I got out of the shower dried off, put clothes on and curl up next to my wife. It took her a minutes to realize what was happening. She pushed me away and yells “Why are you so cold?” I just reply with “This is how Edward would feel.” She lays back down glaring at me as I laugh. Then she tries to kick me off the bed. I ask her what is wrong and she tells me that I am shaking the bed. I say I’m sorry and hug her, again she yells that I am cold and pushes me away. I had forgot about the cold shower but thought it was funny so I started laughing more. I get up to let her take her nap and go try for disgusting ooze pet again. That thing never drops.

My wife has found something new to obsess about. As many of your wifes/girlfriends may also have. A video has been released of Robert Pattinsons butt crack. Yes you heard me right, a butt crack has all the women going crazy. My wife has always hatted all forms of butt crack displays in the past. I remember the Jenny Mccarthy commercials where she show her butt crack next to a plummer. She hatted them. But now that Robert Pattinson has a video out she can’t get enough. If you would like you can watch it here. I have seen so many posts of people saying that it is stupid or retarded but the youtube video has crap load of views. To all the ladies that are saying it is retarded and stupid I would like to say this. Thou does protest too much!

Occasionally my wife will want to get me involved in her Twilight mania. I resist this a much as possible. Below is a conversation that we recently had and how I got away from Twilight.

Wife: Did you see this new video that they released today
Me: yeah
Wife: I wish the people who take these videos would learn to hold the camera steady.
Me: I know.
Wife: Oh they have a video of Robert Pattinson leaving his hotel.
Me: Wow
Wife: What do you think about that.
Me: About what?
Wife: About what I just said.
Me: Damn it thats 12 ooze covered bags that have dropped and still no disgusting ooze.
Wife: WHAT?!?!?!
Me: Oh I’m sorry did you say something.
Wife: (face starts turning red)
Me: (Does not notice her face turning red)
Wife: Did you hear anything I said?
Me: Yes.
Wife: what did I say?
Me: Blah blah Robert Patterson, blah blah new video, blah blah new pictures.
Wife: (eyes start to blaze)
Me: (still doesn’t not notice anything)
Wife: You didn’t hear a single word I said.
Me: Yes I did, it was all about Robert Patterson
Wife: PATTINSON!!! How do you know I was talking about Robert Pattinson?
Me: Was it about Robert Pattinson?
Wife: Thats not the point.
Me: Yes it is. If you where talking about Robert Pattinson then their is nothing to argue about. If you where talking about something else then I was ignoring you. If I am correct then why are you mad.
Wife: I’m not mad
Me: (Finally notices red face and bulging eyes) Would you like to play World of Warcraft with me.
Wife: (Has a blank look of confusion on her face)
Me: It a really good game. With a friend account you can level really quickly.
Wife: What?
Me: See you don’t listen to anything I say.

As most of you already know, Sunday was the MTV Movie Awards. Also as your probably know, Twilight did very well. My wife gave me a play by play on everything. I kept trying to get her to quiet down because I couldn’t hear my fish bobble (I am trying to get the sea turtle mount in World of Warcraft). I would occasionally watch something the my wife would show me, and it did appear to be humorous but not laugh out loud funny.

Before the MTV Movie Awards started, there seemed to be controversy or there was something that annoyed my wife. From what I understand, they kept rearranging the seating assignments. At first, they had Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart sitting next to each other which made my wife happy — not sure why. I don’t think they are going to start making out or act out scenes from the New Moon movie. Then, they changed it so Robert Pattinson and Paris Hilton where sitting together, this annoyed my wife. Again not sure why, was she afraid Paris Hilton was going to jump him there? Then, they changed it back to Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart sitting next to each other. To me, this seemed stupid and I would not have cared, but it was something that annoyed my wife.

I would like to make a few points on the things I saw on the MTV Music Awards.

1. The trailer for New Moon was crap. Yes, I know its a teaser trailer but the action scenes that they showed sucked. Also, is it just me or did the wolf seem a little too cuddly when Jacob transformed. My first thought was “Ahh, look at the cute doggy”.

2. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart not kissing when they won the award was funny as hell. My wife was screaming “Yes Yes they are going to do it.”. I ran over to look at what she was watching and was very disappointed. I thought we might have been watching a porno movie but no luck. She really wanted to watch them kiss but at least I got a laugh out of it.

3. Jim Carrey is still funny as hell.

4. Kristen Stewart dropping the award wasn’t that funny. Okay, I take it back it was funny as hell. The only thing that would have been better is if they told her that one was hers.

5. The Harry Potter movies are past their prime. The target age group has grown out of them and attracting a new audiance at this time is too late. When Hermione Granger becomes a sex symbol, you know you have waited to long.

I think all 5 of those things added up to maybe 15 min of total watching time for the MTV Music Awards. I know my wife told me about more stuff, but I just have to get the Leading the Cavalry achievement in World of Warcraft.

My wife sent me to an article the other day about Robert Pattinson, and I couldn’t believe it. Robert and I have something in common. The article was all about a pic that someone had taken. I have the pic included below so you will know what I am talking about. As you can see it appears to shows Robert staring at the chest of his companion.

Now I found this very humorous, not the fact that he was staring at the girls chest but the reaction all the women are having to it. I mean come on ladies would you prefer he was staring at a guys junk. I know all of you are jealous that he wasn’t staring at your boobs, but give it time if he is like me (and 99% of the other guys out their) he will stair at them the first chance he gets. A tip to get him to stair quicker, wear a low cut shirt it makes it easier.

I have seen some posters on these sites saying that he wasn’t looking at her chest but something in front of her. Yes go ahead and believe that. I don’t want to reverse what your boyfriend/husband has accomplished in convincing you of that when he does it.

Now don’t start thinking men or pigs or anything like that. I have seen you ladies stair at Robets picutres and drool over them. I once saw a woman walk past a stand for Twilight and just stop dead and stair at the picture of Robert for a solid Minuit. I don’t want to know what was going through her mind from the look on her face. It reminded reminded me of the wolf from the looney tunes cartoon Swing Shift Cinderela.

Yes that’s right I am going to Comic-Con. The Holy Grail of the geek world. Comic books, card games, roll playing games, and cosplay will be at my finger tips. Or at lease it would if I was going for myself, but I sadly am not. Now for the crushing blow. My wife found out that the cast of Twilight is going to be Comic-Con. Yes you can see where I am going. As a result she bought 2 tickets to the event the day they are going to be their. All the other days where sold out so no fun for me. Now I get to go wait in line for their conference. I told my wife I am going to make a t-shirt for this site and wear it, but she isn’t to keen on that idea.

Here is something I don’t understand. My wife was to scared to fly when we got married. We had planed to go to Hawaii, but could not bring herself to fly. Fast Forward to now and she appears to be fine now that she is going to see Edward. Maybe his sparkle chest is giving her courage.

If you are going to Comic-Con and see a guy  wearing a twilightwidower.com t-shirt then that is me. Come up and say hi. Now I just have to figure out how I am going to keep my wife from jumping over the table to get at Robert if she gets close enough.

For some reason every time my wife finds news about Twilight or Robert Pattinson she has to share it with me. By now, I thought she would have figured out that I am just nodding and saying yeah every so often. Every so often, I would hear references to Robert stinking or not washing his hair. I just have one thing to say about that. Good for him, if I had to travel as much as he did I wouldn’t shower either. If the women still liked him stinking then more power to him. My wife seems to enjoy giving me his itinerary everyday. One day he is in Italy the next he is in the USA then he is back to Canada. Right now he is the movie company’s bitch.

Yes I know everyone thinks I have gone crazy, but I think it’s funny. How often he showers seems to be a huge topic on the internet. I mean really, why do people care. It’s not like you can smell him through his pictures. There is even a youtube vid about it here. I laughed my butt off at it.

My wife says that he would smell too bad for her to ever want to date him. I do not believe her though. I think if she ever saw him she would run up to him, smell him, say “You don’t smell that bad” and I would never see her again.

I know that the Twilight books are made for young girls, so I wasn’t surprised to find out that most of the young girls in my family like them. What did surprise me was when I found out my aunt is in love with them, or more precisely she is in love with Edward. She is in her 60’s and is acting like a 14 year old. What is it about these books that drive women crazy? Stephenie Meyer has some kind of magic to have gotten all these people going crazy. To my astonishment, it appears that Robert Pattinson is encouraging the older women. I know we all like a good MILF, but he is taking it to the extreme . There was an interview that he did that made me laugh. He was responding to a fan. The fan said she was in her 30’s, married and had kids. She said she felt dirty because she wanted to do him. His response was “Yeah feel dirty about it, feel like it’s wrong”. It was great, I bet that woman passed out if she heard him say that. You normally only see this level of fandom in Sci-fi/comic geeks. I know because I include myself in that group. It is almost as if the cast of Twilight has reached boy band fan craziness level.

My aunt had my wife print out a picture of Robert Pattinson’s GQ photo shoot. She took it home and put it on the frig. Now my uncle says every time he goes to get in the frig he loses his appetite. My wife also wants to change our vacation plans. Instead of going to the beach and laying out in the sun for a while, she wants to go somewhere else. Can you guess where? I bet you know because your wife probably wants to go to the same place. Yes that’s right Vancouver Canada. That is where they are filming the Twilight Movies. She wants to go to the restaurants they eat at, and try to see if the can see Robert Pattinson . I told her I wouldn’t go, and she asked why. I said I don’t want to have to bail you out of jail because you tried to sexually assault Robert Pattinson. She didn’t find that very funny.

I have read all 4 Twilight books and I have a question for all the women out their. Is Edward a stalker/pedophile? Well I guess that is two questions, but I would really like to know. I mean he is around 100 years old and dating a girl that is 17. He breaks into her room at night and stares at her while she sleeps. He does this numerous times. If I where to wake up in the middle of the night and my wife was staring at me I would think she was crazy.

I asked my wife this question and she says he isn’t. So I said would you like me to treat you like Edward treats Bella. She said yes, so I started staring at her. She laughed and went to the kitchen. She saw I was still staring at her and she just started laughing and said quit it. I said I was just doing what Edward does. She said that’s not how he does it. I ask how does he do it then? I am still waiting on the answer to that question.

I have heard the response that well he is a 17 year old that has lived for 100 years. I don’t understand that argument. How can you be a 17 year old for 100 years. He has lived 100 years, so he is that old. Yes his body may be the same but his mind isn’t. If we find a way to live forever with technology does that mean a 100 year old cyborg would date a girl that is 17? His body would look 17 but his mind isn’t, but alas I am trying to use logic in a would of screaming teenagers and even louder women in their 30’s.